Zero Some

“So, we’re here tonight with the winner of the 2024 Presidential race. In a rare upset victory, None Of These Candidates has eked out a small majority in both the popular and electoral numbers. After Nikki Haley lost the Nevada primary to None Of These Candidates, it became apparent that Mr/Ms NOTC, might just be on the road to nomination and eventual victory. After a long and brutal year of backstabbing, shit talking, criminality, inaction and potential age related dementia, the American public was eager to embrace a candidate that carried none of the baggage tied to either major party. Mr/Ms NOTC, in fact, has no appendages to carry anything at all except the goodwill of a clean slate, non-entity status and a political agenda that literally mirrors whomever stares at it. So tonight we watch as an empty lectern is wheeled out to the awaiting throngs of celebrants, all happy to have a quiet moment of peace, a meditative moment to just breath and bask in the non-anxiety ridden, non-hateful, non-fearful calm of this our new Non-Entity In Chief. Now, if we could only get rid of all the other MAGAnificent morons seeking reelection now and in the future, we’d really have a Magnificent Heaven.”